The first student’s essay is not only insightful, but it demonstrates a fine knowledge of literary terminology. After reading the essay a few times, it struck me how simple the student’s essay structure was. They had a lengthy introduction, a body paragraph dedicated to the poem’s similarities, and a final paragraph discussing the differences. There was no conclusion paragraph, yet the student still received an 8. The student’s deep analysis made up for the short essay. One of the student’s brightest moments was their ability to attribute the poet’s frequent usage of the “ampersand”. They stated that by using the symbol, the poet wanted to “show readers that he has working class sensibilities, in contrast to the aristocratic tastes of many of his contemporaries,”. In the second body paragraph, the student provides examples of the conflicting tones between the poems. The first poem is in the voice of an optimist chimney sweeper. Unlike the other essays, this student gave specific examples of how the first poem ended with hope and the other was in the voice of a defeatist. The student has a wide, impressive vocabulary and likes to show it off. My only suggestion for the writer is to swap a simpler words for a few “stuffy” ones. This would cut down on the pompous-style and enhance sentence flow.
Audrey,
ReplyDeleteYour structure and analysis is pretty good, and you point out some pretty important parts of the student's essay, such as the simple structure, that helped the student get the 8 grade. Perhaps you should add more examples. You write that "The first poem is in the voice of an optimist chimney sweeper," but don't elaborate on the second poem. If you add direct details of how the student ties them together, I would also appreciate it.
Err, I would also appreciate it if all your essay responses were in one post, since leaping from post to post can be an issue. But it is not too much of a problem. If you like posting your essay responses individually, don't let me get in your way.
These flies are quite mesmerizing...
Auds,
ReplyDeleteGet it together ya fool! Loving your comments Matthew! Anywho, your focus on the details in each paragraph was excellent. Of course, I didn't do that. Gosh, what is wrong with me? But in regards to the score of 8, same for me! When I did my evaluation for one of the student responses, the student received a high score and I was flabbergasted. FLABBERGASTED! The response was so simple and I expected more from such a score. But, this is helpful for us newbies because now we know we don't have to be pompous jerks. Simple, girl. Simple. Add quotes/disagreements with judges comments.
Audrey,
ReplyDeleteyou did great on details in analyzing each paragraph, pointing out how the keeping an essay short helped the student score what he did. But i agree with Matthew on this... maybe adding a few more examples from the poem after stating your opinions could help. Something i noticed was like most of the review was only mentions of the ways on how the essay was bad, maybe you could add a few positive responses? also adding comments from the judges and saying whether or not you agree with them and why? are some good suggestions